Building Resilience
HOW TO BOUNCE BACK WHEN LIFE’S WAVES KNOCK YOU DOWN
A text from my good friend popped up on my screen:
“Are you f*&cking kidding me!”
My first thought? Oh no, what now?!
This friend of mine has been THROUGH IT lately. Her list of stressors is hefty—caring for aging parents, losing her beloved dog, managing an ex I’ll politely call “annoying,” supporting kids with learning differences and anxiety, and navigating drama at work, to name a few. I love her dearly and want nothing more than for her to catch a break. So when she texted me with the latest “you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me” update, I found myself wondering: How much more can one person take?
As she poured out the details of her newest challenge, I was reminded of a time in my own life that felt really similar. One hard thing after another, without a break. You know that list researchers made of the most stressful life events? I was checking off several of them at once. It was… a lot.
Life Lessons From the Ocean
We were in Cocoa Beach, Florida — which, I later learned, bills itself as the “small wave capital of the world.” I was surprised by how relentless the water felt.
I waded out to join my family and quickly realized it was a workout. The waves kept crashing into me, over and over, knocking me down. I’d haul myself up, gasping, and another one would hit like it had a personal vendetta.
At first it was fun — I laughed and shouted and felt ridiculous in a good way. But after a while the fun wore off. I was out of breath. My legs and core were burning. Every time I thought I’d made progress, a wave would pummel me and drag me back several feet.
I moved closer to the pier where my oldest daughter was standing. My inner pessimist joked that it might be smarter to be near someone who could identify me to the first responders if things went sideways. It wasn’t easier by the pier. Eventually I retreated to the shallows, where the water was gentler and less intent on sending me to the ocean floor.
While I rested and caught my breath, the whole experience hit me: fighting the waves felt exactly like life at that moment. One hard blow after another. I’d get back on my feet and then be swept backward again. Just when I thought I was digging myself out, something else would come and yank my feet out from under me. I remember thinking, How many bad things can one person take? How much more can I possibly handle?
My Resilience Toolbox
Over the years I’ve built a little toolbox of coping strategies that I reach for when life feels heavy. They’re not flashy, but they work. My “old faithfuls” are:
Practicing gratitude
Reframing negative thoughts
Laughter (the real, belly-shaking kind)
Movement — yoga, cardio, or lifting weights, depending on the day
Meditation
Creativity and art
A simple walk outside
Every time, I think I have a million other things I should be or want to be doing. But without fail, when I carve out time for one of these, I never regret it.
During that especially difficult season, I tried everything. Gratitude, in particular, became my lifeline. While drafting this post, I pulled up my old gratitude lists from that time, and they made me laugh (and tear up) all over again. Some days, I really had to dig deep to find even one thing. A sampling:
“At least I’m not a woman living in 15th-century England (beheadings).”
“I guess my legs work today, so that’s good.”
“I didn’t cry today.”
My phone wallpaper at the time simply read: “Shit could be worse.” It was surprisingly effective. Whether I believed it or not at that moment, it reminded me that—yes—things actually could be worse. And then I felt better!
Looking back now, I can still feel the heaviness in my chest when I think of those years. The grief, the stress, the constant weight of it all. But here I am: still standing. And honestly, some days it still feels like I’m being pummeled by waves—the news cycle, the state of the world, human suffering, and the everyday stress of parenting (and corralling ADHD kids when I also have ADHD… no small feat!!). And yet—I’m still standing.
That season shaped me. It made me tougher, wiser, more grounded. It made me resilient.
What is Resilience?
At its core, resilience is the ability to cope with, adapt to, and recover from adversity. It’s what allows us to weather storms without being permanently capsized. Resilience boosts mental and emotional well-being, helps us manage stress, and increases overall satisfaction with life.
The good news? Resilience isn’t some personality trait you either have or don’t. It’s not reserved for the “strong” or the “lucky.” Instead, resilience is made up of behaviors, thoughts, and actions that anyone can practice. Just like building a muscle, the more you work at it intentionally, the stronger you get.
So how do you build resilience? Researchers point to four core components: connection, wellness, healthy thinking, and meaning.
1. Build Connections
When life feels overwhelming, the temptation is often to isolate. But reaching out to others is one of the most powerful antidotes to stress. Prioritize relationships with people who are empathetic, compassionate, and supportive.
Make a coffee or lunch date with a friend.
Call a family member who “gets you.”
Join a group or community where you can share experiences and feel purposeful.
Even small connections add up to big support.
2. Focus on Well-Being and Self-Care
Stress is both physical and emotional, so caring for your body directly supports your resilience. Lifestyle basics like eating nutritious food, getting quality sleep, moving your body, and yes—drinking enough water—make a huge difference.
Other practices that can help restore hope and shift perspective include mindfulness, journaling, meditation, prayer, and gratitude.
And while it’s tempting to reach for “band-aids” like alcohol, substances, or distractions that only numb the pain, these often delay true healing. Choose long-term supports over short-term escapes whenever you can.
3. Practice Healthy Thinking
Our thoughts shape our feelings, which shape our behaviors. If you want to feel different, sometimes you have to start by thinking differently.
Notice irrational or all-or-nothing thoughts.
Ask: What story am I telling myself about this?
Check in: How does this story make me feel?
If the story drags you down, try to reframe it. You may not be able to change the situation, but you can change how you respond. Visualize what you want rather than spiraling into what you fear.
And sometimes, it’s about radical acceptance: you may not like the situation, but resisting reality only adds suffering. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.
4. Find Purpose and Meaning
Research shows that helping others can pull us out of self-focus, boost self-worth, and help you to feel more empowered. Volunteering, helping a neighbor, or even doing small acts of kindness shifts perspective and adds meaning.
You can also create meaning by setting goals, even tiny ones, and moving toward them step by step. Each action builds confidence and shows you that progress is possible, even in hard times.
5. Seek Support When You Need It
No one is meant to go through life alone. Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. If you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or like stress is interfering with your daily life, talking with a therapist or mental health professional can provide tools and perspective to help you move forward.
Closing Thoughts
Life is like the waves in the ocean—sometimes they’re small and manageable, other times powerful enough to knock us flat. My friend, myself, and probably you too have all had seasons where it feels relentless. But resilience isn’t about never getting knocked down. It’s about finding the strength, the tools, and the support to get back up, again and again.
The ocean taught me something important that day: fighting the waves only left me exhausted. But learning how to flow with them—or even step back into the shallows for a breather—helped me regain my footing. Building resilience works the same way. With connection, self-care, healthy thinking, and meaning, we can steady ourselves, recover, and even grow stronger through what life hands us.
So if you’re in the middle of your own storm right now, take heart. You’re not alone. You’re stronger than you think. And with a little practice, you can cultivate resilience—one small step, one breath, one wave at a time.
